What if it happens again?

Originally posted on Wednesday, September 12, 2012

​This was a pretty huge question in our house as we anticipated the arrival of our second baby. We had plenty of conversations about it and were open with our birth team about our concerns. One of the things we saw as a positive was that we now know the signs, the way that I deal with anxiety and depression. We’ve also built up our ‘village’ and I’ve gotten over feeling awkward asking for help (for the most part). We also did our best to prepare Bean for what was to come but how could we truly prepare a two year old for her whole world getting rocked once her sibling arrived? Having made it through postpartum depression we were ready for anything, we kept ourselves open to whatever was to come our way and surrendered with intention to a new family dynamic...
Sampson arrived three weeks ago today and yes, our whole world has changed. The first few days were really tough on Bean, and my patience with her was pretty thin. I remember one particular morning very clearly - after a bit of whining and then more whining followed by a full blown tantrum I scooped her up in my arms and took her to her room. She held her little arms around me so tightly and I hugged her back with all my heart. We sat on her bed hugging and crying for quite a while, even thinking about the desperation I felt from her in that hug now makes me cry. That’s when I started to question my abilities to mother these two little miracles. Then the overwhelming weight of guilt set in for the evening. As I tried to relax in the tub my sister came up to check on me and we talked... She has three babies of her own and so I consider her a vet with this stuff. She assured me that this phase would pass and that it had nothing to do with my abilities as a mother. I tried to believe her. Now, weeks later I’m not trying anymore, I do believe her. As much as I was terrified that I would end up spiraling downward I actually feel more confident and calm than I have in a long long time. I’m learning as I go but with a new found sense of openness. 
There have been so many magical moments since Sampson arrived, seeing my two children interact and watching Bean’s curiosity with Sampson is so precious. It is different this time, it’s better, much better - I can feel it in my gut. This time things will be alright. ​